Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
