i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
