I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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