You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
