I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
