So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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