How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
