at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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