I wish I could teleport
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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