I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Randomize
