i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
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