im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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