Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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