Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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