so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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