So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
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in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize