His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I would ride that face into the sunset
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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