She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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