if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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