??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Randomize
