You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
