My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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