It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
