My sheets look like a crime scene.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
