this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
