we have pet lesbian snakes
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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