I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
