Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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