Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
