when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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