Got a toothbrush?
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
