It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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