he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
