so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
