I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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