$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I FOUND THE LEGS
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
