mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
