Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
