Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
