jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Your penis caused this!
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
