Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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