Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
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