Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
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I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
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So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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