He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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