Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
