i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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