You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
