you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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