Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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