Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
