My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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