maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
You pole danced in your parka.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
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