He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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