Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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