I think im going to throw up on grandma
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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