So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
babies were throwing up all over the place
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
