the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
