There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
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SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
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I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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